things that are not inherently awful or something you should feel ashamed of:
- being white
- being male
- being cisgendered
- being straight or heteronormative
- being able bodied
- being neurotypical
- being conventionally attractive
things that…
I have a number of fancy-ass privileges I shouldn’t have.
I look like a cute little cisgendered white girl. This isn’t really who I am, but that doesn’t stop me from gaining the benefits of privilege, whether I want to or not. I’ve even identified some privileges I have that others might not — having grown up with liberalism, for example, gave me an dreamlike default of privilege-blindness beyond even normal privilege-blindness.
Some stereotypical bigoted statements go over my head, not because I’m stupid or naive, but because I was raised without them, and they so often make about as much sense to the layman as a Salvador Dali painting.
I come from a certain magical fairy realm in which equality isn’t supposed to be a question: people are supposed to be treated with love and respect. Period. No qualifiers necessary. Everyone is supposed to be treated with kindness, given opportunities, encouraged and empowered from day 1 to day N.
However, I do realize having grown up since I was introduced to this ideology from the age of 2 that it is not reflective of real life. This is my greatest unfair privilege: having grown up with the luxury of being free to imagine that life could be this way, and in fact growing up with the childhood notion that deep down, somehow it really must be. Nothing else makes sense to me.
It’s also my dysphoria — waking to find that my siblings of all styles, shapes, and shades are forced to live in a world of hostility.
Others don’t get the privilege of “waking up to” this. They live in it. 24/7, as recognizably expendable minority figures within a structure that is hostile to them in every aspect from lofty economics to individual social interactions.
While nobody is inherently to blame for a system devised long before any of us were even conceptualized, whose responsibility is it to drop their big guns and deconstruct this unbalanced power structure from the top down? The people forced by the structure itself to stay at or near the bottom?
Should those disadvantaged in everything really be guilted into dropping those very few defenses they’ve accrued, when the entire structure around them is designed to make them erasable?
Because this is what we tell them every time we open our mouths with an excuse, or with rage and disbelief at their GALL at EXPRESSING THEIR EXPERIENCES, how dare they. <i>I live in this tower, but you could climb it if you wanted. Knock it down from the bottom with these tiny hammers we throw straight at your heads. Better yet, use your tiny human fists on the behemoths of pillars surrounding you, and we will accuse you of being belligerent and threatening to us individually, because we insist that living within the structure above is no better than living in the sewage below, and surely you understand that talking about said sewage really, <b>really</b> hurts our feelings, which is unfair and uncalled for.</i>
This is a message to those in my audience with privilege. It isn’t your fault that you are offered privilege. It is your choice to acknowledge and challenge it; moreso, it’s your responsibility. The very first step is to accept criticism and admit to being wrong without launching into a shitload of excuses: it’s not accepted in kindergarten, and it sure as hell shouldn’t be accepted in adulthood.
The next step is to start advocating minorities. Unless, of course, you ultimately realize that you like having privilege over others, and that you would rather have the convenience of automatic privilege instead of the varied, in-depth blessings of using your strengths to empowering others. But then, at least be honest. <i>I live in a tower, and I don’t want any more people in my tower. I don’t mind other people living in sewage as long as they don’t track it into my tower.</i>
Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.
This hurts to read, the way true things do.
(via annlarimer)
(Source: sherunsfromdarkness)
Via House of the Rising Waffle
How writing a webcomic with Waffles changed my life, and the lives of some scared, lonely teens
In 2004, shortly before we moved in together, Waffles and I started work on a webcomic, Blue Crash Kit, which we launched in 2005 (and which is in the process of a relaunch, with Waffles coloring). It never got to be huge, but it didn’t do poorly, either. She was, of course, the artist, and I was the writer, although we both pinch-hit for each other at times. At its peak we were serving a little under a million pageviews per month to about 18,000 unique viewers, and selling advertising on it paid for our groceries. We made some lifelong friends through the comic, plus it taught me a lot about writing comedy, and was one of the factors in my gaining the confidence I needed to finally get started on my fledgling prose fiction writing career.
But most important was the positive impact it had on a small subgroup of our fans—again, some of whom became friends—and if those few had been the only ones ever to read it, the whole thing would have been worthwhile. Even though we kept things mostly light-hearted, we did address some social and personal issues, and our goofy little comic about three polyfidelitous talking-animal superheroes in love ended up touching some people in ways we’d never imagined.
We got the usual fan mail, which was absolutely wonderful, but we also got letters that brought us to tears. We were far from the only comic to have LGBT characters, and we rarely placed much emphasis on their orientation (except when we did a storyline dealing with homophobia); we just treated people like people, and for the most part everyone in our comic world did the same. It was the homophobe who was embarrassed about his attitude, and who was frowned upon by society, as should be the case. And although we dealt with social issues, I like to think we never got preachy; it simply wasn’t our primary focus.
But in addition to the regular fan mail, we started getting letters from isolated, often closeted LGBT+ teens in small, intolerant communities, who in some cases had little or no in-person contact with people with whom they could be “out,” and some of them felt more at home in the little comic world we’d created than in their own.
This was in large part because although we had LGBT characters, the comic didn’t revolve around that fact. Orientation (again, except for the one storyline dealing with homophobia) in the world of BCK was about as big a deal as how you took your coffee, except that it of course affected who you could date. In our world, the battle for equal rights hadn’t just been won, there’d never been a need to fight it, and that was exactly the world they dreamed of. It provided them with comfort to know that there were other people imagining that world along with them.
Because they felt like they knew us through our characters and the world we created for them to inhabit, and because they desperately wanted out of their situations, a couple of those fans even asked to come live with us. Although we had to say no, it broke our hearts to do so. (Underage gay teen runs away to live with a polyfidelitous triad that includes two bisexual women and a heterosexual man. Sure, that would have ended well for everyone.)
Waffles did more than just draw the comic. She was a full co-conspirator in plotting out storylines, coming up with jokes, and so on, sometimes when she didn’t even mean to be. Some of the jokes and storylines were based on our real life as two thirds of a polyfidelitous triad with our then-girlfriend—although, again, such a relationship was unremarkable in the world of BCK—and many were specifically inspired by Waffle’s personality, or by some little unexpected detail she’d drawn that demanded exploration. The character Kit, definitely the fan favorite, was based on Waffles. (Of course, that’s obvious to anyone who knows Waffles and has read the comic.)
Blue Crash Kit would not have happened without Waffles, and because of her, at least a few scared, lonely LGBT+ teens in intolerant communities with intolerant families cried a little bit less and laughed a little bit more, and got to spend some time in a world where they didn’t feel so different after all. That might sound like a small thing to some people, but not to anyone who has ever been that lonely teen. Most people never get a chance to make that kind of a difference, but Waffles did. And I call that a win.
I hate it when people say, “Reblog this,” but hey… Please reblog this. I don’t even care if you edit me out of it, but keep in the parts about Waffles and her positive impact on other people’s lives, because she’s having trouble believing she’s helped anyone, and the more people who know the impact she’s had, the better.
Anonymous asked: this is embarrassing.. but i get a free bottle every time someone buys one at mangoaff725(dót)com and these things work better than adderall.. i legit lost 15lbs in 2 weeks.. try them. they seriously work like crazy.
If I lose any weight it will tear a hole in the space time continuum, but at least that would effectively cure all human idiocy including war, bigotry, self-justified delusion, stigma, arbitrary standards, and the dehumanization that is exchanged when people, umm, spam.
Dearest audience: If you lose weight fast, it dumps all of the stored toxins into your increasingly frail system. Don’t do it that way. Get into yoga, drink water, and eat apples.
I’ve realized some things my dream guy would do…
He’d bring me flours
He’d pull ridiculous stunts….
Would do something menial yet important like engraving a Cracker Jack ring….
….and wouldnt be afraid to tell me how he feels no matter what.
But hey, no ones perfect :)
(Source: quickwiththekerosine)
It Should Be: Risk Aware Consensual Everything
Just imagine if everyone internalized the rules and guidelines of the kink community:
- Everyone must be fully informed.
- Everyone must have the ability to make decisions unfettered by intoxication, mental disability, youth, or coercion.
- Everyone must hold both vested concern and respect for one another’s boundaries.
- When in doubt, lean towards caution and do what you know is within boundaries; this ensures a good experience and facilitates good rapport.
…Now imagine it’s applied the moment you look at someone. Imagine it’s as ingrained as gender roles are in current society. Imagine a world in which people care intrinsically about how they interact and affect one another.
Imagine if everyone internalized the rules and guidelines of the poly community:
- Communicate.
- Own your feelings.
- Communicate more.
- When in doubt, lean towards caution and do what you know is within boundaries; this ensures a good experience and facilitates good rapport.
- Communicate also means listen.
- Even if it seems trivial, even if it’s embarrassing and you feel irrational and fearful of reproach, communicate anyway; append with description of embarrassment, irrationality, and fear.
- Own your jealousy.
- Act upon communication, don’t just rehash communication points over and over, assuming that the feelings of relief after discussion of something that needs to change magically indicate that a change has occurred.
…Now imagine that every relationship is assumed to have a completely open discussion policy, that partnership means absolute cooperation, and that no concern great or small is to stay off the table. Imagine talking about your past lovers and lingering feelings with complete reverence to an attentive partner who nods and says that it makes sense, but makes them feel a bit insecure. Imagine how quickly you then feel inspired to explain to them why they don’t need to feel insecure — after all, you can talk to them about anything, and what in the world would you trade that for?
Imagine if everyone internalized the general guidelines of the trans community:
- You are fabulous and always have been.
- You have a right to self actualization.
- It is a person’s prerogative to change their mind.
- Your identity is your identity to do with as you please.
- You apply these beliefs to your brothers and sisters as well.
…Now imagine that everyone was comfortable enough in their own soul to dress in non-standard clothes, take on non-standard roles, determine their own labels and terminology the point that they demand recognition of their sole identity rather than conforming to one assigned at birth. Imagine that everyone learned to see the breathtaking elegance of diversity around them; that even the “unusual” things were fun, interesting, and admirable instead of threatening.
I say these things not to appropriate or dismiss the difficulties that each of these identities and communities face, but to point out that many of their ideals are universally good ideals.
Alt people like me and mine have varied and pervasive struggles that the traditional will never experience directly, however they may try to sympathize, and furthermore, alt people of different types have struggles that may or may not entirely overlap.
It is due to these struggles that each group has come to certain universally good ideas, and it is a necessity in recognizing such good ideas that one looks into their origins: this is what separates a healthy cultural adaptation from dismissive appropriation.
Imagine if everyone understood that the social structure that causes such struggles may not be their fault, but is partially their responsibility as denizens of a shared world. Imagine if everyone owned their privilege and gained a simple desire to extend the same privileges to everyone, because even social structure should be Risk Aware and Consensual.
This is one of those “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness” games, or as another alt culture would say, “An Ye Harm None, Do As Ye Will.” They call it the Wiccan Rede, or The One Law, but there are really two commandments in there:
An Ye Harm None: So long as you don’t harm anything,
Do As Ye Will: Be Liberated To Follow Your Glee.
Everyone has the same inalienable rights to seek joy so long as they don’t tread on others. Everyone has the same inalienable rights, and it is both a constitutional crime and a sin to deny others or yourself that joy.
Know what you’re doing. Own it. Consent to what you wish. Let others do the same. In everything.
DMRT1 and FoxL2: nature’s “plug ins” to determine sex-related cell types.
Even in terms of biological sex, nature kind of starts with a blank canvas: splash on an approximation of human, using the parents as reference material, and then semi-randomly, semi-not, determine things like which dominant genes to really go for, which chromosomes to plug in, and oh yeah — which chemistry to base the cells off of.
Not only gender is fluid in nature, it seems. So is biological sex. Happy Thanksgiving; allow yourselves to be as versatile as you like, love yourselves and one another with great passion, because that’s your gift to be thankful for this year. <3
someone brings up feminists in class
one of my friends rants about how annoying they are and how they get nothing done
Well, here’s the thing about feminists, from one feminist to another:
There is no Feminist Central that dictates what feminism is all about. We have old school Traditional feminists who are happy now that we have the vote, we have Radical feminists who go so far as to believe that union between female and male can’t be achieved without supporting the patriarchy, there are Sex Positive feminists (like myself) who believe that liberation is a big step towards equality, and those are just a few of the possible structures of feminism.
Some of these groups are so wrapped up in Their Definition that they, themselves, believe that The Agenda is ideologically exclusive — that Traditionalist, Radical, and Sex Positive feminists can’t all get what they want, because X, Y, or Z isn’t in line with their Ultimate Definition.
Then we get crossovers with other racial, sexual, or class identities who have to wade through arguments from the privileged in those sectors just to get their views of how the crossover affects them.
To anyone standing at the sidelines, sure, it will look as if nothing is happening between all the “No True Feminist” arguments and infighting; they don’t understand that with every single debate, we are airing the issues prevalent in a patriarchal society, and quite possibly getting closer to a consensus.
What it’ll end up coming down to in retrospect will probably seem very simple. That’s how retrospect plays out: when you unravel a ball of yarn and stretch it out, it’s one long strand of yarn. But while you’re working out all the tangles, it’s a giant, complicated mess, especially if you have several different people who want to take a different approach, and a couple of people at the sidelines saying “Can’t you just leave it as a ball? YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE.”
I just tried to have a conversation about how I am Not A Girl with my mom and about five minutes into it I was in tears and completely incoherent and she was treating me like that little kid who will forget that they were desperately in love with that one toy as soon as their mother drags them out…
I figured my response would be too long for the answer box, so instead, I have decided to answer in a reblog. What’s really important here are patience and compassion; while ideally most of this would come from your ever-supporting mother, it often falls on non-standard people like us to initiate.
From the sounds of it, your mother is condescending to your gender identity and making you feel alienated and dismissed, am I right? On her part, she’s probably doing a combination of two things: misguidedly trying to protect you from a line of action that she feels will be regretted later on, and most likely harboring a few of her own insecurities about child-rearing or some preconceptions about how your gender identity might relate to her opportunity to become a grandmother.
For those unversed in gender studies, this might seem like you just told her “you failed to teach me my proper gender, so I’m revoking your good-mommy-badge and you don’t get to be a grandma.” So she gets a choice at either listening and feeling that loss or scoffing and dismissing it as a phase.
Does that justify it? No.
But is it her fault? No, this fault lies mainly with society telling her what makes her worthwhile, and trying to tell you what makes you worthwhile. In order to talk to your mother like an adult, you need to approach her with a new definition of these things — otherwise, SHE will be the child pining away over that toy until it’s out of sight and out of mind.
Here is what I would tell her:
Mom, I need to talk to you about something because you raised me to be self-sufficient and strong-willed, and since you made me strong enough to think for myself, I’ve come up with some ideas that may seem unconventional. What I need is for you to listen and reinforce that you take me seriously, even when I seem a bit radical, and I need to know that you love me for my ability to think outside the box, not despite it.
From my point of view, girl means ___. It’s ok to be a girl, and a lot of people are happy that way, but I feel more ___ and ___, and in society I want to be approached ___ way, which seems to be reserved for boys. I (do/don’t) want to change my physiology, because ___ — (if yes, explain that there is a long process including social transition and psychiatric support beforehand) — for me to feel secure in my own identity, and in how I interact with others, I need to be treated as a boy, called him, allowed to wear the clothes I like, and allowed to be attracted to the people I like, which are ___.
I know this is a lot to take in at once, and you’re worried that I’m making a rash decision, but I promise to take it as seriously as you do, to do my research, and to conduct my transition mindful of my well-being at all times. This will be a lot easier with your support.
That way, even if it is a phase as you fear, I will have taken all of the precautions and come out better for the experience, not regretting it. But I need to know, for absolute sure, that you will love and support me even if this is really me, and really is a permanent thing, because you are the person who taught me to think for myself.
I am willing to talk with you for hours about this, I am willing to explain in depth, and I am willing to make sure you understand my transition as it happens, as long as you take me seriously and let me know that I am loved.
Otherwise, I have to go out there and make the transition on my own, and I would miss your support terribly.
(Source: niffick)
How to Spruce Up Your Relationship
It was great when it started; all the intrigue of falling in love, the adventure, the novelty! Do you remember when your partner was new and fun? When you felt like the ultimate sex minx?
As you involve someone in your day to day life, a lot of that intrigue naturally gives way to comfort, and usually, with comfort comes a certain hum-drum routine. But you don’t have to lose all of the fun and adventure; with a little concerted effort, you can spark up the same excitement that you shared in the very beginning.
Treat Yourself
How many of us wait for the perfect partner to whisk us away in a flurry of romance, and after the romance seems to die, feel burdened by the same relationship that used to make us feel like we were on a roller coaster?
Luckily, whether you’re in a relationship or not, there’s always someone there to make you feel as attractive and treasured as you feel you deserve deep down, and once you remember how to treat yourself, you’re more likely to remember how to treat others as well as how to ask for what you really want.
- Private Time
Taking some time to yourself is not only allowable, it’s mandatory for personal health. Once you regenerate and regroup, you will gain higher confidence, serenity, and empathy; when you are recharged, you will also be better equipped to deal with others. - Sweet Nothings
You know what you want to hear, what you deserve to hear; instead of berating yourself for not inspiring these statements from others, realize that simply by acknowledging the words you want to hear, you have done so for yourself, and don’t be afraid to tell yourself what a breathtaking creature you are. - Bath and Body
Once you have treated your mind to some pampering, set aside some time to do the same for your body! Put aside some time for an extra long bath or shower, languishing in warmth and comfort. Use your favorite bath and body products to tantalize your senses, perhaps burning a scented candle in the background and listening to some calming, sensual music. Keep your skin moisturized with your favorite oils or lotions afterwards so that you always feel sleek and supple; knowing that your clean skin is perfect will make you feel absolutely radiant. - Self Seduction
Now you’re all warmed up and romanced, and you didn’t have to wait for anybody to show up. But what’s next? The answer, of course, is anything you are comfortable with; feel free to explore! Trace your body with your fingers and see where your most sensitive spots are. Figure out which non-erogenous zones seem to magically gain erotic charge given the right inspiration, and truly follow through as far as you like. The more you know about your own body’s responses, in your own time and your own way, the better equipped you will be to please yourself and to communicate your preferences to others.
As an aside, during the novel phase of most relationships, you likely didn’t let your partner see you prepare for initial dates — you made sure that by the time s/he saw you, you were spruced up, in the right mindset, and ready to go. By re-initiating this approach, you invite an extra element of mystery and surprise into your established relationship, taken straight from your own history!
Change Your Look
One of the biggest relationship killers is when you stop feeling like that inner minx that you know you are; when not only your routine, but your sense of self becomes some form of same-old, same-old. When you feel new, you’re another step (or several) towards that spark that initially lit your romance on fire.
It could be a new hairstyle, color, or cut; it could be a new set of quality makeup or a few new garments that make you feel classy. However subtle or extreme your change needs to be, feeling like a “new you” will likely bring out your sexier side.
Have an Affair
It’s not what you think. Really, it isn’t: I am not recommending that you have an extramarital affair behind your partner’s back. As much as this can introduce that sense of forbidden adventure, it also involves unnecessary risks and deceit.
What I am, in fact, suggesting is that you have an affair with your partner; start by reading old love notes, chat logs, or looking at photos from days gone by, and recall some of your initial quips and inside jokes that have fallen to the wayside.
Remember who each of you were? Remember the fun you had? The plans — big or small — that you made?
Start leaving anonymous, sexy notes for your partner. Tease and tantalize the way you would have initially. Find a way to make it a tiny bit naughty, forbidden, and secretive: sneak a raunchy photo into their lunch for work with a quote from the past written on the back. Use alternative versions of your names and demand that each of you keep it secret from your partners!
Eventually, you can find a way to relinquish other responsibilities for a night, and append one of these Secret Notes with instructions on when and where to meet and how to keep it a secret. This is a perfect time to introduce the new look you’ve found for yourself, together with your reclaimed confidence in the role of sex minx.
Initiate and Respond!
There is nothing sexier than to be desired, and nothing says desire like taking the reigns or responding with fervor when you’re being pursued. Even the most subtle sigh or brush of fingers can trigger an intense reaction; don’t be afraid to play it up a little bit, as long as the essence of your desire is sincere.
Try New Things
Variety is the spice of life, especially in matters of passion: find a new scenario, toy, or role to play, and introduce the idea to your partner. Switch between dominant and submissive roles as suits, keeping in mind that neither necessitate whips and chains unless you want them to, and learn to talk openly about your desires with your partner — starting small and working up, you’ll often find that the most embarrassing topics are often also the most arousing.
In fact, discussion itself can become the highlight of the night, since you are letting your partner into the most intimate parts of your mind, where your imaginations can run wild together without the constraints of physics or practicality!
Ultimately …
Sex is about sharing a sensual adventure, and a relationship is about cooperating to maintain that connection. While “new relationship energy” is temporary and hormonal balances steady and slow down after a short time, there is no reason that similar feelings can’t be reignited with some effort.
When you feel good about yourself, your partner, and all the possible adventures you could share, your entire quality of life — from household maintenance to child-rearing to workplace motivation — will skyrocket far beyond when your relationship lacks romance.
About me
Passion Parties Consultant and Ex Stripper sharing sex tips and sex-positive ideas. Ask a question or book a party for custom advice!
